Yesterday was a New Moon doozy. As the first sign of the zodiac cycle, Aries represents the (re)birth of the self. For the past... I'm not sure how many weeks, I have had zero inspiration to write about astrology. As winter gave way to spring, I was immersed in this human experience which at many points felt like pure chaos. Time-consuming personal matters aside, I haven't been tracking astrology cycles because I just really didn't want to. I feel stuck in an old approach without a clue how to breathe new life into my process.
Pisces season served me up a giant plate of dissolution inside and out. I've been deconstructing some old mental structures. I have covered some truly decrepit thought forms with neat facades. I re-paint them occasionally and surround them with potted plants that quickly wither into eye-sores. And I'm tired of maintaining this shit. I don't even remember building all of this... stuff. Shit. Stuff-shit.
Jupiter (amplification) in Virgo (perfectionism) entering the Saturn square Pisces mix tells me it's a good time for exactly this process. Years of keeping up a tidy front and avoiding the messy reality inside has left me with deep self-worth wounds. I obsessively disinfect them - that is, I surround them in stark emotional sterility - so I can't figure out why the damned things wont just heal. My faltering self confidence is a spiral into evermore excruciating and impossible attempts to look like I'm okay and my life is together. "Together" according to my standards which are hard-core perfectionistic. Yay italics. Do you know what I mean??
Circling back around to this blog, I am beginning to see that my writing about astrology is suffering. I am treating it with this same suffocating approach that's running my life. I keep the chaotic, sensual, disorganized REALITY of my writing at a distance via abstraction and orderliness. And if I can't find a trim and thematically consistent way to precisely communicate then I just don't WANT to DO it. BLAH! I'm tired of impossible standards that suck the joy out of every activity. I'm sick of failing to meet those standards and eating shame for it. I'm worn out on perfectionism.
Healing journey to follow. Have a nice week!
My little, well-loved slice of cyber space is like a playground, a pillow for my head to dream upon, a public confessional for the sweetest secrets of my humanity. Thank you for visiting, whoever you are!