Last week's New Moon in Aries was a huge opportunity to release self-absorbed patterns. I wrote about my exhaustion with perfectionism which, personally, ANCHORS me in a negative self-focus. I weigh my expressions, thoughts and impulses against impossible mental, emotional and spiritual standards. It dawns on me: how long I've felt like I'm no good and nobody wants me. I'm not sure whether I hope these are 'normal' feelings or not...
Two days ago, at the first-quarter square moon, a man on the light-rail train yelled at my face to "FUCK what other people think, y'know?" In my periphery vision all these heads flipped towards us, like a school of fish. "Don't let 'em rent space in yer head they sure's shit can't afford." I responded with long, steady eye contact.
I'm trying now to imagine what it would be like for someone else to rent a room in my head. Would they feel comfortable? Could they see themselves living there? Sure, there's a tyrannical landlord who wrested control of the property so long ago I don't remember when and they constantly berate the way I live. But there are quiet, secret rooms. These spaces open up into unfathomably vast, beautiful, magical realms for me. No one knows. No one knows.
I had a dream about whales the other night and I googled it. "Awakening inner depths," the site said. The ache to share this inner magic is unbearable sometimes. The man on the train also told me, in a much softer voice, to be patient with my art because it will come, "just be patient... it will come."
My little, well-loved slice of cyber space is like a playground, a pillow for my head to dream upon, a public confessional for the sweetest secrets of my humanity. Thank you for visiting, whoever you are!